A Parents Happiness Should Not come First

For over a decade, I have worked with children who have been victims of divorce.  There are many reasons why a kid is brought in for counseling (anger, anxiety, depression, etc.), but the one issue that is most pervasive is, mom and dad are getting a divorce.  It does not matter the ethnicity, gender, religious upbringing, socioeconomic or political affiliations, the affects are always the same, the child’s stability is broken up because mom and dad have irreconcilable differences.  The child is left to determine where their balance and homeostasis is going to come from.  Because of where a child’s cognitive development is they think they are the reason for their parents getting divorced. Children’s responses vary in divorce situations, from reclusiveness, anger, people pleasing to high-risk behavior.  Children are the losers in a divorce.  Children are the victims. 

Children look at mom and dad as superheroes.  Mom and dad are where life and stability happen.  Parents are where moral and spiritual formation come from.  Parents model what healthy relationships look like.  Children learn from their dad what protection and masculinity is. Children learn from their mom how to be emotionally responsive and what femininity is.  Both parents in their respective gender display problem solving.  Both parents show how they respond and cope when life is stressful.  Children learn from their parents what is of value.  Children learn what affection looks like. Parents, whether they know it or not, display what is of highest priority to their kids

This of course is a short list of the impact parents have in a child’s life.  In reality, the list is far more expansive and nuanced.  No parent is perfect, in fact all parents are dysfunctional and disorganized to one degree or another, but what I’m addressing is not being a perfect parent, rather the significant influence a parent has in their child’s life and the incredible damage divorce does to a child.

“The biggest lesson that divorce teaches a child, is that no one can be trusted, including themselves…”

Divorce teaches a child that mom and dad are broken.  Divorce teaches, especially if the child is coming from a Christian family, that God is not big enough to fix the damage.  Divorce communicates to the child it’s their fault.  Divorce causes for the child intrusive thoughts, that can last decades, that say, “you’re not worth anything”.  Divorce teaches the child that if things get too hard in life, especially in marriage, they can just bail out.  Divorce teaches the child to hate themselves.  Divorces influences the child to hate the opposite gender.  Divorce teaches the child to do what makes them happy and pursue happiness at all costs.

The biggest lesson that divorce teaches a child, is that no one can be trusted, including themselves, which in the end has damaging effects on their emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual functioning.

Emotional Functioning

         A child’s emotional development will always be negatively impacted by their parents divorce.  An article written by the Pedrick Law Group highlights an increase in negative emotional sensitivity.  Depending on the age of the child when the divorce takes place, the range of negative emotional responses will be broad.  When the child is younger that 10, there tends to be more acting out and showing emotional dysregulation.  When the child is in their teens, the average response is emotional reclusiveness and high-risk behavior.

 Psychological Functioning

   In my extensive counseling work, children will often report to me intrusive thoughts that they are not worth anything, not valuable and pieces of trash.  Divorce influences a child’s cognitive narrative.  Everyone has an internal narrative, what they think and say about themselves.  Adults, having a more well-formed sense of self can easily combat intrusive thoughts in comparison to children.  Children are much more prone to believing the intrusive thoughts and cognitive distortions that divorce creates, thus creating a very anxious and depressed child.

Physical Functioning

         The National Library of Medicine suggests that children in non-nuclear families (single parent families, divorced families, etc.) show a 10% increase in poor physical health compared to children in nuclear families (e.g. intact families), which was based off data from a 2012 CDC/NCHS survey.  What I have observed in my practice are children of divorce that look physically sick.  Often their physical symptoms are due to poor quality of sleep and sleep issues can be traced back to anxiety and stress from their parents getting divorced.

 Spiritual Functioning

Most of my clients are Christians and when divorce happens it upsets and challenges what they know and think about God.  When Christian parents get divorced, children have a hard time reconciling what they see their parents doing and what they were taught about Jesus Christ.  Children have a hard time believing that God is love when they don’t see their parents living that out in marriage.  Children tend to distrust their parents because of divorce and by extension God and wander away from the church in adulthood.

“we need parents doing hard things by valuing their marriage, their children, and their family.”

Divorce has a significant negative impact on a child’s emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual development.  Divorce is an unfortunate reality for many children and forces them to do hard things that go well beyond their capacity.  There are certainly cases where divorce is advised (e.g. DV, adultery, abandonment, etc), but the majority of marriages headed towards dissolution are repairable.  In their book, “Them Before Us” Katy Faust and Stacy Manning quote Judith Wallerstein on the instability that divorce brings into a child’s life,

“Divorce is deceptive.  Legally it is a single event, but psychologically it is a chain-sometimes a never-ending chain-of events, relocations, and radically shifting relationships strung through time, a process that forever changes the lives of the people.

Call to Action

Parents must do hard things when it comes to divorce and that is see their children as the most vulnerable and put aside their desire for happiness.  To paraphrase “Them Before Us”, adults must stop sacrificing children on the altar of adult desire (Faust and Manning, 2021). Every family is unique and circumstances different; there are no quick fixes for a marriage headed for divorce.  Children are valuable and to be treasured and should not have to do the hard work that parents are called to do. 

As a parent, your child’s safety, well-being, and stability come first, not your desires.  If we as a nation want to address the mental health epidemic, we need parents doing hard things by valuing their marriage, their children, and their family.

 Christian Bringolf MA LMHC