Maybe Bitterness and Resentfulness are why you have depression and anxiety…….
Every week I meet with people who come to get counseling for depression and anxiety. Each time they give their opinion on why they have these maladies. They say, “I have depression because” (blank) or “I have anxiety because” (blank). Their hope is that counseling will give them answers and tools. Most of the time what they are looking for is validation from a professional as they have already decided on why they’re depressed and anxious, they just want to be affirmed in them.
Good counseling will listen to a patient’s conclusions and will ask investigative questions to get to the heart of the core issue. Depression and anxiety are not merely their own entities, meaning people don’t have depression because they have depression. People have depression because of something else. Depression and anxiety are by-products or manifestations of deeper emotional and relational problems. Patients commonly interpret their depression and anxiety as their physiology isn’t working properly or in laymen’s terms, their brain is broken. Patients will discuss with me that they have depression and anxiety because of a lack of dopamine or serotonin in their brain. This trouble shooting usually leads them to getting on an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety meds. Sometimes the patient sees relief in their symptoms, but most times they don’t see any significant benefit from the meds and then are advised by their PCP to increase their dosage and or introduce an additional medication. (Side note: Professor Moncrieff and Dr. Mark Horowitz of UCL Psychiatry both concluded after 50yrs of research that there is no clear link between depression and serotonin levels)
What I commonly see as reasons for depression and anxiety is underlying bitterness and resentment from past and current relationships. When my patient realizes that their medication isn’t working on their depressive and anxious symptoms it leads them to ask, “what else could it be?” Counseling is meant to be a process that develops the skill of reflection. Like I said earlier, most patients just want to be affirmed in what they’ve already decided and would prefer to take meds over dissecting their past. Building the skill of reflection is hard and painful for most because it means putting under the microscope past relational hurt, maybe as far back as childhood. Reflecting means the patient is not just looking back in their life and creating an inventory of what others did to them, but also looking at what their past responses were.
“What Else Could it be?”
This is where the topic of bitterness and resentfulness comes up. Most of us tend to think we’re not bitter or have any resentment because of how we view these two words. Bitterness brings to mind the curmudgeon from Charles Dickens “A Christmas Carol”. Resentful reminds us of the character Scar from The Lion King. When people hear these words and think about their application to themselves, there is usually an immediate dismissal. The “Scrooge” and “Scar” characters are extreme examples of bitterness and resentment; they are what you would expect of someone who has given their lives over to these two words.
Bitterness and resentment are a result of relational hurt. Both overlap with one another and have some distinction. Anger and disappointment are the pillars of these two words and emotions. Patients feel bitter about being treated unfairly in a relationship or maybe they have resentment towards someone on a decision they disagreed with. The bitterness and resentment I encounter most often is within a marital context. A husband may ask his wife many times throughout the marriage to keep the entry way in and out of their house organized so everyone can come and go with ease. A wife, similarly, may ask her husband to clean up the kitchen after he makes food. These requests become familiar refrains in the marriage and become the foundation for heated arguments. Is the argument really about the cleanliness of the kitchen or the organization of the entryway? No, the arguments are over each spouse not feeling heard and valued in their repeated requests. Each time a request is made from the spouse and each time it’s not fulfilled it creates a narrative to the spouse that says, “I’m not valued. I’m not loved or respected” This narrative leads to bitterness and resentment and left undealt with can produce depression and anxiety. Bitterness and resentment at their core is anger towards a hurt caused by another. This anger often captures the heart of the patient and does not allow them to move on. Often the bitterness and resentment take root at a young age and by the time a patient comes into counseling, they’ve been living with it for 20yrs and have no idea the impact and damage it has created in their lives.
“Bitterness and resentment are a result of relational hurt”
Next Steps:
Ask yourself reflective questions
If you have depression and or anxiety, take a critical look at your life and entertain the possibility that bitterness and resentment may be a part of it. Too often patients want to get rid of depression and anxiety without understanding how they got there in the first place. Ask the questions, “what past relational hurts am I holding on to?” “Is bitterness and resentment (anger) influencing my life?”
Ask people you trust if you’re bitter and angry
We are not always the best at evaluating our own head, heart, and mind and when it comes to the topic of bitterness and resentment, we will give ourselves a passing grade more than honestly reflecting. This is where it’s important to ask trusted friends and family members “am I a bitter person?” “Do I come across as argumentative?” “Do I hold grudges “ “Do I act like I’m always emotionally hurt?”. Getting outside the echo chamber of your mind can give you insight in to how others experience you.
Identify the sources, people, or situations that caused the bitterness
One of the main points of reflection on past hurt is to make clear distinctions on who is responsible for what. Without doing this, patients engage in the “forgive and forget” strategy that is ineffective.
Work towards forgiveness in Christ
While none of us can go back in time and undo what hurts were inflicted upon us, we don’t have to let them live rent free in our brains either. One of the final pieces for dealing with bitterness and resentment is learning to forgive. Forgiveness is not an attitude saying, “I’m ok with what you did to me” but rather it is a disposition of compassion and movement away from being controlled by these negative thoughts. Tim Keller says this about anger,
“If you don’t deal with your wrath through forgiveness, wrath can make you a wraith, turning you slowly but surely into a restless spirit, into someone who’s controlled by the past, someone who’s haunted.” (Keller, “Forgive: why should I and how can I)
Jesus is the source and power behind our ability to forgive and without him none of us would be able to. All of us would be empty shells of hurt, continuing to hurt others and living from one hurt to the next. We are able to love and forgive because he first loved (1 John 4:19) and forgave (Eph 4:32) us.
Take off your armor of bitterness and lay it down before Christ
Christian Bringolf MA LMHC