Teens and Suicide

​Teens are in trouble.  They don’t know who they are.  They are told they can be whatever they want and at the same time they are told they’re not enough. They’re told they are not the right skin color, sexuality, height, weight, physical appearance, attractiveness, religion, intelligence.  Everyday teens wake up they have already lost in many ways.  If living successfully in society means mastering the right physical appearance, always saying the right things, having measured feelings and responses, being able to intellectually articulate what they want or need, respect everyone and never offend anyone…. teens have lost and want out.

If you are a parent of a teen, youth leader, counselor or teacher that works with them you know this all too well.  Teens are not handling life well and the stress that is thrown at them in a healthy way.  I’ve been a mental health counselor for the past decade working with children and teens.  This is my area of expertise.  I have never seen such an explosion of confusion, desire to self-harm and or attempt suicide among this group in my entire career than I have in the year 2023.  Something has gone horribly wrong over the last few years to make teen depression, anxiety, and suicide rates skyrocket.  From the normal teen angst of figuring out who they are to radical gender ideology, teens have been bombarded with all kinds of negative messaging that has left them hopeless.  

​Teens are cutting themselves because they want to feel something.  They are committing suicide because they want out and don’t want to live in this life anymore as it is too painful. Teens have become numb because culture around them says to be happy, they just need to do “x, y, or z” to achieve happiness.  Adults, parents, and teachers, even counselors are paralyzed at how to help teens through their suffering.  Parents are going to great lengths to give their teen whatever they need or want so they don’t hurt or kill themselves.  Teens are opting to hurt themselves because they don’t know who they are, and the world is telling them who they should be.  Some teens have been through incredible trauma and just don’t want to deal with their intrusive thoughts anymore.  Many teens have been captured by the tentacle monster that is social media and their brains have been heavily influenced by its messaging.

This is the landscape, and it is dire.  What’s even worse is many parents are seeking psychological counseling for their teen, are desperate for an appointment and end up with a counselor who is more interested in pushing an ideological agenda than caring for them.  What teens need are hope and adults that will honestly, transparently, humbly, and firmly impart a stability.  If you are a parent of a teen that is struggling, there is hope.  In this section I want to offer some practical approaches to dealing with self-harm and suicidal ideation. In the final section I want to offer hope that can only be found in Christ.

The Practical

1. Parenting Style

a. Parenting style is something to pay attention to when parenting a teen. Parents can go between being a “helicopter parent” to a parent that is just focused on being friends.  While there can be some benefits to both approaches, going all in on either parenting style usually creates more rebellion and an increased tumultuous relationship.  If you are the first parent, a total control over their life can result in higher rates of anxiety, depression, and rebellion.  If you are the second parent, being permissive in whatever your teen does and wants usually means they will take more and more liberties and push the boundaries of what is acceptable and end up with higher rates of unhealthy behavior, anxiety, depression, and rebellion will occur.  Being a parent to a teen often means that you are a parent first and a friend second.  

2. Know your teens rhythms

a. This is a significant piece in helping your teen through their mental health issues.  Knowing their daily rhythms will help you understand where the difficulty spots are through their week and give you data points for later conversations.  Stuff to pay attention to:

i. Are they eating at meals?

ii. How much are they eating?

iii. Do they participate in family and social events?

iv. Do they have friends they hang out with?

v. How many hours a night do they sleep?

vi. What’s their academic load like?

vii. What’s their after-school calendar look like?

viii. How much time do they spend on screens?

1. What apps do they spend the most time on?

ix. Is the teen getting regular exercise? If so, how much?

x. Is the teen getting regular quality time with mom? With dad? With family?

3. Go spend time with your teen

a. It is critical that a teen know they are part of their family where they are receiving love and time from their mom and dad.  Families provide structure and safety for a teen to develop emotionally and cognitively.  Families are ultimately responsible for providing their teen with an identity and identity formation is very significant in these years.  This is where you as the mom and dad need to carve out in your week family and individual time.  Family time will be where the teen learns that they are part of a unit and that their behavior has an impact (positive or negative) on all the family members.  This is where they learn relational responsibility.  Individual time is where mom and dad, at different times, get to invest in their teen and communicate love and respect.

4. Don’t presume everything is ok if your teen isn’t talking about their problems.

a. Because significant identity formation is happening in these years it is tempting to take a “if my teen isn’ttalking about something that is wrong, everything must be ok”. Teens quite often don’t know how to articulate how they feel or what their thoughts on a particular matter are.  Teens are much more reactive to life than they are contemplative, considerate and thoughtful.  This is why it’s important to know your teens rhythms and spend time with them as this helps to build relational equity, so that when you do interrupt their life with questions about how they’re doing or why they made “that” choice, they know you are coming from a caring place and love them.

5. Delete social media accounts and Limit screen time

a. Again, due to identity formation teens should have very limited access to social media if at all.  I realize this is a very radical approach, but giving your teen a smart phone with no restrictions on how they govern themselves on it is very unwise. If mom and dad are not going to be the foundations of the teen’s identity formation, then the internet and social media will.  Social media will steer the teen off course and into unhealthy behavior.  If you’ve already given your teen a smart phone, put restrictions on it through the “screen time settings” (this is what it’s called on an iphone).  Limit social media usage to 1-2hrs a week.

6. Find your teen a clinical counselor with a biblical foundation

a. This one is tricky, because depending on where you live you may or may not have access to a counselorthat has an expert understanding the human mind and love Jesus.  Sometimes, despite having the right parenting style, a teen won’t open up and a counselor may be necessary for them to process and understand what they are feeling.  Don’t just pick a counselor because they accept your insurance and have openings that fit with your busy schedule.  Doing this could lead to the situation with your teen getting much worse, because you don’t know what the counselor’s worldview is.  Take your time and search for a biblical counselor.  Make sure to find out the following:

i. Does the counselor love Jesus?

ii. Is the gospel the world view through which the counselor practices clinical counseling?

iii. Does the counselor bring scripture into session?

iv. Does the counselor offer prayer in the session?

v. Does the counselor encourage the family to be participating in the session?

The Hope of the Gospel

I am a big believer in hope.  Hope is a change agent in anyone’s life that is experiencing mental and relational issues. Hope tells us things can be better when they’re bad.  Hope tells us that things can be different when life has become stagnate. But I’m not a believer in hope for the sake of hope.  Our hope must be rooted in something other than ourselves and or the concept of hope. This is where the gospel of Christ is pivotal and foundational. As moms and dads, we fail and we need hope to know that life will be ok.  The hope that Jesus offers us through the cross is a transformational and daily hope. Jesusinvites us to come to him and put all our cares and worries on him (Matt 11:28-30). Jesus meets us in our anxiety and tells us “Do not worry” and to “Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you.” (Matt 6:33). Jesus gave you your teen so you may have joy (though I know it’s not always joyous to raise a teenager).  He also gave you that relationship so that he may teach you something about dependence and hope.  You will never change your teen’s heart through sheer force.  Nor will you change their heart by giving into all their demands. You also won’t change their heart byhaving the perfect dialed in schedule for them.  Hope will develop in them based on your own hope in Christ.  Model Christ’s hope for them.  

1. Open and read the Bible with them

a. I am a big proponent of reading the bible as a family and especially with your teen. If the teen is asked, “do you want to read some Bible together?” The teen will invariably say “no”.  Invite your teen to sit down with you during your own devotions.  Teens need to hear gospel truth as that is critical to their identity formation and ultimately them receiving hope in their life.  This also means, mom and dad, if you don’t have a devotional life…you need to get one.  Start with the gospel of John.  Read a few verses each day and ask, “what does this scripture reading mean for my daily living today?”  If you need a good commentary to help with understanding on what you read, pick up an ESV (English Standard Version) Commentary.  This will help give understanding on some of the hard texts you read.

2. Pray with your teen

a. Mom and Dad, you need to have a prayer life.  If you don’t have a prayer life, there is a good chance your teen won’t have a prayer life.  Prayer does a couple of things:

i. It acknowledges that we are not in control or in charge, but rather Christ is.

ii. It changes the heart of the one praying

iii. It changes your heart towards your teen when they are in rebellion.

iv. It gives hope

v. It reminds us of how greatly we are loved

b. If you struggle in prayer and it’s been a while, here’s a sample prayer:

i. Lord Jesus, thank you for today.  Thank you that you see me. Thank you that you know me and Iget to know you. Thank you that you died on the cross and give me hope for daily living. Lord thank you that you saw me in eternity past, made me, came into this world, and died for me and rose so that I may have hope. Lord, I lift my teen up to you and ask for wisdom and discernment on how to parent well.  I ask and pray for my teen that you would give them a soft heart. I ask that you help me show them your grace and mercy that is richly shown through the cross. I ask and pray that you open my teen’s heart to see how much you love them.  I pray all these things for my family’s edification and your glory, Jesus.  Amen

Mom and Dad, know that you are not alone in shepherding your teen’s heart.  Know that there is hope to be found in the cross and daily through worship, prayer, and devotions.  When in despair, praise, and worship Christ; don’t take the bait of endlessly dissecting all your parenting problems, as minimal answers will come from this action.  1 Thess 5:18 says, “Give thanks in all your circumstances for it is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”  Parenting a teen is hard and difficult as it should be because you are modeling relationship, love, respect, problem solving, hope and worship; all of which are significant elements in identity formation.

Your teen needs you practical support and love, but they really need is the Hope of Christ as that has all the power to speak into self-harm and suicidal ideation.

Don’t lose hope (Romans 15:13)

In Christ,

Christian Bringolf MA LMHC