You’re Not That Easy to Love

You’re Not That Easy to Love

“Brother, if any man thinks ill of you, do not be angry with him; for you are worse than he thinks you to be. If he charges you falsely on some point, yet be satisfied, for if he knew you better he might change the accusation, and you would be no gainer by the correction. If you have your moral portrait painted, and it is ugly, be satisfied; for it only needs a few blacker touches, and it would be still nearer the truth.” - C.H. Spurgeon

         Most of us reading or hearing that statement, “You’re not that easy to love” would disregard it and say, “I’m easy to love” and come up with a whole list of reasons of what makes us so loveable.  We likely would say this writing piece is for some other difficult individual and then think of a family member, friend, church member or coworker.  The truth is this piece is for you and me.  I can look back over the last 20yrs of my life and see an army of people that have invested in me.  I can see the resistance I gave. I can see in the present that I’m not that easy to love.  If you sat my wife down, interviewed her on what it’s been like to be married to me for the last 17yrs, she would have plenty of good things to say, but she would also be honest on how I have not loved her well and haven’t been easy to love.  Eph 5:25 is on repeat in my head, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”.  Often my efforts to be an Ephesians 5 husband fall way short, are marred by my sin and show that I’m not that easy to love.

“You contribute nothing to your salvation except the sin that made it necessary”

-Jonathan Edwards

         This article is for you too.  We often need a mirror put in front of us to see how we are behaving and being experienced by others.  From a theological place, this is what the gospel does.  The gospel shows that you were not that easy to love.  God nonetheless loved and still loves you but consider the price at which that love came at.  John 3:16captures this concept very well, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” The love we receive cost Christ his life.  The famous American theologian Jonathan Edwards says this, “You contribute nothing to your salvation except the sin that made it necessary.”  What Edwards is getting at is the salvific work of Jesus was an act of love that came at a very high cost. Romans 6:23 says, “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” The price to be loved and accepted by God is incalculable and Jesus paid it so we could stand righteous before God.

  God loves us through his Son and like a mirror shows us our true sinful selfs. Tim Keller eloquently says this, “The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.[1]

         Being a mental health counselor for the last decade has afforded me many opportunities to talk with people.  The most common problem people bring into my office are difficult relationships.  Someone in their life is being difficult to love or they themselves cannot see how difficult they are to love and think everyone else is the problem.  For anyone that’s not a believer their ability to self-evaluate will come from within, which will always be bias and produce a heart that is arrogant.  For the Christian, Jesus will be that mirror to show that they’re not that easy to love and produce a heart of humility and worship. 

             As Christians we need to be willing to have the gospel show us our hearts and hear that we are difficult to love. Within Christianity, you hear talk of the “fruit of the spirit” (Galatians 5:22-23) quite often. We talk about it as if we can will these different virtues into our personalities. We quickly call out the lack of fruit in other Christians lives, not realizing that this kind of fruit is only produced when someone is closely following Jesus. The fruit of the Spirit is often the evidence of a Christian life who’s following Jesus.

What I aim to do in this next section is talk to you directly about your patience, grace, generosity, kindness, and bitterness

 Patience

         You are not as patient as you think. Your tolerance for what you deem acceptable is not vast or deep.  You give yourself a good grade on your ability to be patient with others, but only because you are looking at yourself through your eyes. You are not experiencing “you” the way others experience you. You are patient so long as you get what you want.  You are demanding of others and God.  You’re patient with people as a means to an end.  Your version of patience is just manipulation.  Your are impatient and when those in your life hold you accountable you lash out and gaslight them.  You are not patient because you don’t understand the patience and long suffering that God has with you (2 Peter 3:9)

Grace

         You are not gracious. You desire for things to be fair and are more than willing to hold others to account, but if the logic was applied evenly to your life you would scream, “unfair!” There may have been a moment in your life where you showed some semblance of grace and therefore you’ve concluded that you are a gracious person, but to use a popular illustration even a broken clock is right twice a day. Just because you have shown a moment of grace does not mean you display a pattern of it in your life.  Grace recognizes fairness, justice, and injustice, but it moves forward because of its great love for others and great risk to itself.  You are not gracious because you think you are God and don’t understand Eph 2:8-10.

 Generosity

  You are not generous. You think you have nothing. You look around at your friends and family and say, “they have more than I do”. You complain about how your circumstances have led you to a state of poverty. Because you perceive you have nothing, you give nothing. You think generosity is a principle only to be practiced by those who have an abundance.  Your lack of generosity leads you to envy and jealousy. You can’t stand to see others with wealth and opportunities. You secretly wish ruin on them because you have an inflated ego that says, “I know better, and I would do better if I had wealth.”  Generosity does not start once you become wealthy, it’s starts long before it.  You are not generous because you do not understand the gospel and how generous God has been with you. (Romans 8:32)

 Kindness

         You are not kind. You believe in the modern-day refrains of “you do you” or “just be your authentic self”.  You think that if you just speak your mind all the time and never apologize for anything you are being true to who you are, not caring if you hurt someone in the process. This level of self-delusion is arrogant. You think others will be blessed by you “speaking your truth” not considering for a moment how injurious and unkind your comments are.  Whatever kindness you think you show, is rooted in entitlement. Maybe someone was unkind to you at some point in your life and you’ve decided the best way to move forward and gain some power is to control others with your words. You were hurt, so you can hurt others. Your mean spirit is cloaked in the words “validation and empowerment” You are not kind because you don’t understand the kindness that God extended to you and what it is supposed to produce in you.  Romans 2:4 says this, “Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?” Kindness is an action that is unconditional; showing heart change of its owner.

Bitterness

  You are bitter. You have a list of all the wrongdoings anyone has ever committed against you that is longer than Santa’s list of who’s been naughty or nice. You subscribe to the adage, “forgive, but never forget”. You think it’s wise to keep this list, not considering how it affects the way you love others. Your bitterness makes everyone an enemy and makes it almost impossible for you to find and be loved. Your bitterness taints everything about you. It makes you very unenjoyable to be around. Your bitterness clouds your ability to see how you are truly treating others. You think by holding on to past injustices and hurts you are defending yourself from future hurt. You tell yourself, “I’ll never put myself in that situation again” or “I’ll never let someone do that do me again”.  However, you don’t consider the self-fulfilling prophecy you create by being bitter. You don’t want to be hurt by others, and you don’t want to be alone, but you drive others way for fear of being hurt.  Bitterness is like drinking poison thinking your enemies will die. You are bitter because you don’t understand the forgiveness that God has offered to you in his Son Jesus. Eph 4:31-32 says this, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.  Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”  The answer to bitterness is to live in an active state of forgiveness, knowing that Christ forgave you for your sins and you are no longer an enemy.

         We are all challenging and difficult.  We are all difficult to love.  We are all cases of sinfulness.  We all act superior to one another.  The gospel calls us to account and self-examination through God’s Son Jesus Christ.  To have the fruit of the Spirit produced in you, you must take up your cross, deny yourself and follow Christ.  By following him closely, you begin to engage in true worship and become more and more lovely to God and those around you.

Christian Bringolf MA LMHC

[1] Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God (2011)