You’re Married to a Sinner and you can’t fix them.
If you’ve ever been to church, you likely have heard the word “sin”. Sin is the direct disobedience against God. We are sinful and unable to stop sinning. Sin is the reason why Jesus came to die on a cross as a substitute and give us salvation. It is Jesus, through the Holy Spirit that empowers us to restrain our sinful hearts and move from a place of selfishness to a disposition of selfless worship. If you’ve been a Christian for some time, you know how difficult it is to deal with your own sin. You know that despite your best intentions your heart will return to sinful behavior like a dog returns to its vomit. The Bible shows us this. The point of God coming into human history as Jesus Christ was not to teach us how to be moral but rather show us how big our problem was, how helpless we are at saving ourselves, how much we need a savior, that we can’t change ourselves and to teach us that a rightly ordered life starts and ends with worship of him.
Nothing makes us aware of the reality that we can’t change our heart or the hearts of others more than marriage does. For those of us that have been married longer than 5mins, we are painfully aware of how we cannot change our spouse and the longer we stay married the clearer this becomes. Marriage is taking two lives, two hearts, two wills and joining them together into one corporate identity. This is the theme the Bible talks about as “two flesh becoming one”. In modern day terms, we call it marital unity.
“I’m sick because I have a cough.” Anyone who’s ever been sick knows that a cough is often a symptom of the illness not the cause. Similar in marriage, poor communication is a symptom not the main problem.
Most marriages never make it to the 10yr mark because the two spouses cannot operate in the new corporate identity; there is too much conflict and hearts that are acting from a place of selfishness and sin. Before we become Christians, Jesus comes near to us and makes us aware of our sinful state and how much we need him and then empowers us to accept his salvation. When we get married, despite being a Christian, we are bringing all our sin, brokenness, dysfunction, distortions and selfish desires into it. Our agenda for marriage is often self-serving. We don’t want our spouse simply for themselves, but we want our spouse for what they can do for us. What we get from marriage is companionship, financial security, sex, social status, etc. If these things weren’t there, many of us would not get married. The same can be said about being Christian; many of us are Christians because of what it gets us not because we simply want Christ, but rather we want Christ because he gets us God’s favor.
Whatever your intention for getting married, God’s agenda for you is quite a bit different. He intends to make you Holy through marital relationship. This is not always a welcomed message for married couples that are struggling. The number one issue on why a married couple will seek counseling is because communication has broken down. They come to counseling to get practical help in their struggles. The first question I ask whenever starting marriage counseling is, “What brings you into my office today?” Inevitably, one spouse will say, “We don’t communicate well.” The couple has determined that the main problem is bad communication. The problem with this conclusion is that it’s saying a symptom of the problem is the main problem. An example would be talking to a friend who’s sick and asking them why they’re sick and they reply with, “I’m sick because I have a cough.” Anyone who’s ever been sick knows that a cough is often a symptom of the illness not the cause. Similar in marriage, poor communication is a symptom not the main problem.
All married couples, including Christian marriages, struggle and on some level seek to make changes in the ways they know how. Often counseling is utilized to address these struggles, which isn’t always a bad thing, but rather the married couples understanding of what the actual problem is and how it is dealt with. Again, most married couples think the main issue is bad communication and the responsibility for that lies at the feet of one of the spouses. In essence, two spouses come into marriage counseling believing they are not the problem and are not responsible for the communication issues.
This approach makes marriage counseling ineffective and shows that there is a fundamental misunderstanding on what the problem/s are in the marriage and what each spouses role is in them. Misunderstanding 1. Each spouse sees their behavior as less problematic than the other’s. Misunderstanding 2. Each spouse has neglected their primary vertical relationship with Jesus. Misunderstanding 3. They are the only image bearers in the marriage and are the only one who is to be treated with dignity and respect. Misunderstanding 4. One spouse is not as sinful as the other. For marriage counseling to work these 4 misunderstandings need to be brought to the couple’s attention, in addition to two truths. Truth 1. each spouse must realize they are the problem. Truth 2. They cannot change the heart of their spouse.
The hard truth is your spouse is a sinner just like you and despite your best efforts you cannot change them. Your efforts to refresh your marriage through new behavioral rhythms will not create what you want. Revitalization of marital communication does not depend upon spousal validation, the 5 Love Languages, or a series of positive affirmations you say every morning. Marital newness and refreshment come from taking your relationship with Jesus very seriously. As a spouse if you want to be a better husband or wife then don’t look for tips, tricks and tools but meditate on and daily pray through the great commandment found in Matt 22:37-38. Additionally consider offering your heart to Jesus the next time you are in an argument with your spouse, the same way David did in Psalm 139:23-24. Finally, to improve your communication with your spouse ask God to remind you of the value, dignity, and worth that comes with being made in the image of God (Gen 1:27) and apply that to your spouse.
To bring this full circle, our sinfulness is what creates a divide in our marriage. Tim Keller quoting Alexander Solzhenitsyn says this, “the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being.” Our hearts are hopelessly awash in an ocean of sinful destruction and selfishness and without rescuing we will drown in relational destruction. This is where we must see the person and work of Jesus radically giving us new life individually and maritally. Like I said previously, there are no tips, tricks, and tools that can be implemented to control the health of your marriage, there is only Christ. Jesus addresses our problem. Jesus saves us from our sin. Jesus gives us new life by changing our hearts and teaching us to worship him and he calls all Christian Husbands and Wives to do this. We are not to fix our spouse, but rather we are to worship King and Lord Jesus with our spouse; then and only then does our marriages change.
Christian Bringolf MA LMHC