Happy Wife Happy Life

I have worked with husbands in a mental health counseling context for over a decade.  I’ve been married almost 18yrs and what I have heard from husbands both professionally and personally in that time on the secrets to a successful marriage is, “Happy Wife, Happy Life”.  The idea being that if you just make your wife happy, you as the husband will have a happy life as well. If this strategy worked for husbands, I suppose marriage counseling would not be needed.  I can’t tell you how many times I had a married couple come sit on my couch for communication issues and the husband eventually interjects his thoughts, saying, “happy wife, happy life.”  I often counter this saying with, “yeah? How’s that working for you?”

            It goes without saying that husbands and wives are built differently.  Husbands want to provide for their wives through acts of service, financial provision, and physical safety.  Wives want emotional vulnerability and relational transparency.  Husbands that do work on being more emotionally vulnerable can sometimes be met with hostility from their wife because she was implicated in his emotional state (that is a conversation for another time). The HWHL phrase (Happy Wife, Happy Life) likely comes from a place of the husband not feeling comfortable with emotional vulnerability because its backfired and or simply not really understanding what it is.

            Because I am a biblical counselor, I look at marital issues through a scriptural lens.  The gospel is what informs me on whether a marital strategy is healthy or unhealthy; so, to anchor the rest of what I’m about to say here is a verse worth considering if you’re a husband and HWHL is the anthem in your marriage:

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” This is the first and greatest commandment.

Matthew 22:37-38

Husband, consider several points as you look to critically evaluate the HWHL strategy

HWHL puts all emphasis on the happiness of the wife:

            Marriage, simply put, is not supposed to be about one spouses’ happiness.  If that is the cornerstone of your marriage, it will crumble, and you’ll be headed for divorce. HWHL lies to the husband that his existence in the marriage is meant soley to make his wife happy.  The cornerstone of a healthy marriage is not your wife’s happiness, but Jesus Christ.  You cannot make the happiness of your wife your all and effectively adhere to Matt 22:37.

HWHL destroys any respect the wife has for the husband:

            One of the constant complaints I hear from husbands is, “I don’t feel respected by her”. HWHL lies to the husband by convincing him that his wife will be happy with and respect him if he does all the things she wants.  In the short-term, this seems like a valid strategy, but in the long-term it erodes away any respect the wife has for her husband.  The wife begins to see her husband as an “errand boy” that is to be barked at and when the husband complies, it reinforces this behavior and contempt grows.  When people always get their way, they don’t often become more grateful, but rather entitled and impatient, if you’re a parent you know what I’m talking about.  Within a biblical marriage, respect is given to each spouse because both are made in the image of God and that inherently comes with value, dignity, and worth. (Gen 1:26-27). Husband respect is not gained by just doing an endless list of tasks, but rather by centering your life on Jesus and being transformed by him (Matt 6:33, Matt 22:37, Rom 12:2).

HWHL increases bitterness and resentment

            In my professional expertise, the biggest predictor of divorce is if bitterness and resentment are present in a marriage. The longer these two killers are allowed to exist in a marriage the further entrenched the spouses become and the wider the divide between them expands.  HWHL lies to the husband and says, “Respect from your wife is the end all be all!” Bitterness and resentment are the logical by-products of husband’s efforts to make his wife happy at any cost.  His wife will inevitably not be happy with all that he is doing for her and may respond in a dismissive, disrespectful, and ungrateful manner paving the way for bitterness and resentment to set in.  Most of the marriage counseling I have been a part of the husband usually has a long list of the ways in which he feels disrespected.  He has kept an inventory of the disrespects, and it’s only produced bitterness and resentment, which often creates the environment for deeper and more destructive sin to thrive. 

            Husband, respect cannot be your daily goal.  Your wife cannot give it to you in the way you would like.  She cannot satisfy your soul in the way that Christ can and does; so, don’t put her on the throne.  You must come back to Matt 22:37 and love the LORD with all of your heart, soul, and mind. It is only through this action that the idol of respect will be destroyed, and marital closeness happen.

            Husband you may have temptation to push back against what is being said here, but I challenge you to consider and ask yourself, “Am I loving Jesus with every ounce of my being?” “Have I placed my wife and her happiness on the throne of Jesus?”  If these questions resonate with you, spend some time in prayer and confess to Jesus that you haven’t been loving him with all of your heart and ask him to give you a heart that does.  Asking these questions can be helpful in moving back towards a biblical marriage and having deep relationship with your wife.

In Him

Christian Bringolf